· Holy cow!
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
· Where there’s smoke
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.”
· Identity crisis
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”
“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”
· A taxing situation
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
What was your income for the year?
What were your expenses?
How much have you left?
Send it in.
· Just desserts
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
· Listen up!
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
· The end is near
Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him.
“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.
· Show and tell
“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.
“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”
“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”
· Timing is everything
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
· Running joke
Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes, and began putting them on.
“What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes.”
“Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”